Friday was clearly a slow news day.

Firstly, the story about four people in Newbury catching Bovine TB from their pet cat is certainly a newsworthy item. However, the analysis of this story transgressed into the ridiculous. It is thought that the infected moggies may have contracted the disease from a stray cat which, in turn may have contracted the disease from a badger or an infected rodent. Transmission into humans, such as happened in this case, is extremely rare. You have more chance of winning the lottery jackpot than Tiddles passing on his germs over to you. This didn’t stop the media though speculating on your beloved pet bringing down civilisation as we know it…

Dirty, filthy, diseased pets. They’re coming to get you! Run for you lives! Burn them! Dirty, filthy diseased pets! Yes, your dear, doting cat, sitting on your lap. DON’T STROKE IT! It really wants to kill you. It’s been conspiring with the neighbourhood badger. Effectively, it’s put a contract out on you. Dirty, filthy diseased, flea infested kitty cat.

Don’t trust that guinea pig either. Dirty, filthy, disease ridden rodent. VERMIN! VERMIN! Twitching its cute little nose, running on its little wheel. Keep it closely guarded in that cage. Electrify it! Rotten, plague infested rodent.

Lovely, colourful, chirpy parrot. Pecking at its mirror and happily sitting on its swing. Who’s a pretty boy then? Not you parrot! Psychotic, murderous, evil, attention seeking, feathered bird of death. Each squawk filling the air with the putrid, lethal stench of bird flu.

Fluffy, bunny rabbit. Floppy eared, carrot munching, hoppy, doe-eyed bundle of fun. Alas! Don’t be fooled! Bright-eyed bringer of the Grim Reaper along with its cousin the homicidal hare. Myxomatosis riddled, sharp toothed slayer! Be gone bunny!

Dirty, filthy, diseased pets. They’re coming to get you. Run for your lives! Burn them! DIRTY…FILTHY…DISEASED…PETS!!!

And now sport…